One day I'll fly away

I hardly ever have any problems falling asleep. However, tonight I lay awake in my bed wondering if all I’ve ever done in my life is running away. For once I wish I wasn’t such a coward, but how can I change something that has become almost a way of life?

I’m always worried about what people think, and the last thing I want is to hurt someone’s feelings, that’s why I’m sure tomorrow I’ll wake up and regret having even thought about it. The uncertainty of not knowing if my job will be sending away soon or not doesn’t help either, but I guess the only thing I can do for now is try to get all this out of my head and take each day as it comes.

Night, night *

Old age, strip restaurants and the inability to have a “normal” social life

Let’s start from the beginning… so I’m 30 now, and it doesn’t feel any different, but it does fill your mouth when you say it. And the celebration was definitely one to remember.

The plan was a small dinner with a few workmates and an old friend who came to visit, with the twist that is was going to be at a restaurant with strip shows. I was decided to make it something different, so when Liliana suggested it, I could only agree, even if it was completely out of character for me.

It was all good fun, until they tried to make me go and dance around the pole. I froze, I would have disappeared into thin air if I could have, but there came Lili to the rescue to help me get through it. She’s a good friend, right? If only I had any idea of what was coming… which was no less than a lap dance by one of the strippers!! Now I have an answer if anyone asks what was the most embarrassing moment of my life. Still, my face was hurting at the end of so much laughing.

And to finish the weekend… (I have to precise here, after Liliana and her psycho male equivalent meddling for weeks) I was asked to go out for dinner and movie with a workmate. I always wondered how men who are as shy as me would act, and I was able to see it. No complaints, seriously, I don’t think there was any uncomfortable silences, it was all very civilised, and I even got a box of chocolates but… aaaaaaaargh! How do some people make things look so easy!? The problem is I don’t like the guy other than as a friend, that’s why sometimes I felt quite mean, and I’m not mean!!

PS. The new Harry Potter is not worth however much the ticket cost, but it's just an opinion.

Holding Hands

I have never been big on public displays of affection, or private for that matter. And sometimes that makes me feel not only a bit out of place in a Mediterranean touchy-feely culture, but it may also make me come across as very rude and ungrateful. It sometimes bothers me, because people might get the wrong impression, but I still can’t help it. I can have very strong feelings about something and try my hardest not to show it, however, anyone who knows me will admit I am usually very clear when I don’t like something (doing something about it is a completely different matter) and I can imagine that must be quite difficult for other people. How can I be so indifferent and not express my opinions a bit more often, because I have them, believe me…

On the other hand, I don’t know how I would react if people around me acted as cold and stiff as I do. I’ve heard a friend tell me that I would not be able to deal with it because I’m so insecure that I would find difficult not having the constant reassurance of someone telling me what they think or hugging me or even just giving me an approving look, and it might be true, I just hope I don’t need that much reassurance to feel contented.

Thinking about all that, I remembered the anecdote someone told me a couple of months ago about sea otters holding hands. From what I could gather, they do it sometimes when they sleep to avoid drifting away. Excuse my ignorance but I had never heard of sea otters before, and I found the story very funny, even lame. On my usual expressionless tone, who cares about cuteness! But as it turns out, I was looking at a Facebook post by the same person, and I could not avoid aww-ing (probably not a word, just my own derivation of the expression aww!). They really are adorable!!!

To anyone suffering my apathy, I hope you can read between the lines, because there is something in here, I’m just not very good at showing it. And if I don’t like someone I don’t even make an effort to talk to them.

Apprehension

This week the weather has been terrible; windy, rainy, a big drop in temperatures… you name it. But that also made work a bit more exciting, like being forced into a rollercoaster every time you get close to an aircraft. I feel sorry for all those people with an irrational fear of flying, or the passenger who ended up crying with pain because she could not wait any more to go to the toilet during a very long go around, or the people who got completely soaked by a sudden torrential downpour while trying to board and aircraft… Oh, the joys of flying!

On a different kind of topic, my mood has also been like on a rollercoaster and ended up crying of frustration more than once. There are a lot of new people starting at work, and I don’t feel like meeting them or working with them or socialising with them, but I know I have to, it’s part of life, so I need to stop moaning and try to be nice to them before I carve myself a horrible reputation.

And then, there’s also been an opening for a different position within the company that I would love to get. I have already applied, so now I can only wait, and then probably wait a bit more, until I realise that I’m never going to be called for an interview. However, I’ve been having all those thoughts of how it would feel getting it, having to leave Porto and this house, struggling to settle in a new place, missing the people… and I was wondering if I would have applied so quickly if my situation was different. Would I risk ruining a relationship by moving away? Or would any man even take that into consideration if it was him deciding between his career and his personal life?

And, of course, after so much overthinking I got peckish and decided to bake another batch of cupcakes, coffee and walnut this time. I couldn’t wait to try my new muffin tin, although it’s not a tin because it’s made of silicone, and the result looks quite good, I think. This time I decided to take a recipe for a cake and turn it into muffins, much easier to handle, but I still have a few untested muffin recipes, so there will be more to come. And I don’t see the harm in something that makes me happy, so all those preconceited people who think my hobbies are sad or laughable can screw themselves (excuse my language).

And then came Hamburg…

I had been planning this holiday for so long that I was scared shitless that it would all go wrong and regret it for a long time, so I tried my hardest to keep my expectations low, so I wouldn’t be so disappointed when things turned out a bit less exciting than I expected. Fortunately that never happened, and the two weeks just flew past and it left me wanting more.

First of all the course was quite productive, I managed to remember a good deal of all the German I had forgotten in the last 7 years… I probably should try to write something in German to prove it, maybe I’ll try…

Then there was a bunch people I met at the Goethe Institut, other students, that helped me enjoy up to the last minute of it. There was always something organized for us by the Goethe in the afternoons, and that often led to having a few drinks, or dinner, so getting homework ready for the next day wasn’t always easy.

And the city was very interesting too. Forget about Reeperbahn, I didn’t have time to go out around there… I’ve never been to Vegas, but to me it was the German equivalent, a bit too much neon and fake excitement for an old prude like me. But the small bars around St. Pauli, quite charming and individual, or the popular Sternschanze were more to my taste. The only thing I regretted was not having a cocktail at a posh rooftop bar with views to the port of Hamburg, but that required too much initiative or preparation, and we all know that’s not my forte. But, hey, I’ve had more Astra beer than I ever thought I would, I ate the best cheesecake in the world, and enjoyed a lot of walks around the city (both with and without guides).

I would also like to think that I’ll manage to keep in contact with some of the people I met. I’m thinking of one person in particular, but I could be referring to anyone, really. Because that’s what happens in these cases, you get quite close to someone, I guess there has to be some kind of connection at some level, but you think you’re stronger than you really are, concentrate on having fun and not worry about consequences and then, one week later, try to say goodbye without making a big fuss. And the thing is, that’s the way it’s supposed to be, people will make a small effort of pretending things are normal when they really are not, and we all know you’re not going to see them again, which is always a shame, but we all need to go back to our own lives and jobs, and all those people will only be a blurred memory in a very short time.

So eventually comes the time when you have to go back to work and readjust to your old routine, in my case that happened far too soon, when your body is here but your head is still trying to get round to the fact that you’re again in the same old place with the same old people. On Friday I went to class and said goodbye to everyone in the evening, flew back on Saturday and went back to work on Sunday morning, what a marathon after two weeks without a proper rest. And this it’s not a bad place to be… but. There is always a but. In this case I had to listen to someone tell me that what you experience during a holiday has nothing to do with living in the place, and that I should come back to planet earth and stop daydreaming. I can’t say it didn’t feel like a slap, but that doesn’t make it less true.

As a summary I’ll say, the course was too short, the city is a great place to be, the people made everything much more fun, the hardest thing was realizing that life is not a permanent holiday and, finally, despite the fact that it wouldn’t be the same, I still want to try a transfer to Bremen.

And until then, I need to keep my head high, and enjoy the lovely people around me, that don’t deserve to hear me moan or see me go scarily quiet getting lost in my own thoughts. Life goes on, and who knows what tomorrow awaits for us.

20 years of a great country

And finally, here I am!! I’ve been in Germany for 5 days already, and tomorrow class starts. Until now, it has been anything but a disappointment. I’ve seen a good amount of ruinous castles, eaten piles of local delicacies, and drunken bucket loads of different kinds of yellowy liquids produced in Germany, not bad, eh?

Food, let me think… Zwiebelkuchen, Flammkuchen, Schweinshaxe, Sauerkraut, Schwarzwaldkuchen… I don’t think I could have done it all in one day. And then yesterday I arrived in Hamburg and was invited to have dinner with the host family and they had wild mushrooms. And I still haven’t had any German sausage!!! And then the drink, normal beer (whichever the local breweries are), Heffe Weiβe, Riesling, neues Wein…

Don’t get me wrong, there was a lot of sightseeing, but I have a sister that needs a break every couple of hours, so there was enough time for everything.

I almost forget!! Also yesterday was the day of the German unification, a bank holiday if it didn’t fall on Sunday. I was in this country 10 years ago for the 10 year anniversary, and destiny brought me back for the 20 years celebration. Will I be back for the 30th?

Cupcakes and a fairy tale town

My mood is a bit erratic, as usual, but in between my grumpy days there’s been a good deal of things happening. I can’t complain. Although my social life is hitting rock bottom once again (and I probably am the only one to blame), it seems like this last stretch of the summer has been quite productive, and the few plans I had didn’t get cancelled.

One of the things that kept me in a good mood for a few days were my cobweb chocolate cupcakes. One of my workmates had been asking me for a couple of weeks to bake something. She’s lazy and the biggest gossip around, but I prefer to keep her on her good side... Anyway, I obviously felt like baking, and I had a whole week to plan what I was going to make, find a recipe, and then put it into practice, but I think it was worth it. The recipe came out of the BBC website and, as you can see, the result wasn’t too bad. The only problem is that I definitely need to get a muffin tin so they don’t flatten so much when baking. Other than that, I think the recipe works fine.

The other thing keeping me busy was our weekend in Sintra. That little devil of a flatmate that I have got a free 2 night hotel stay, so we decided to make the most of it and get away from Porto for 3 days and visit Sintra, a beautiful fairy tale town not too far from Lisbon. The weather was great, and the place exceeded my expectations. It’s set on a hill top, overlooked by a Moor Castle and the extravagantly coloured palace of Pena, and surrounded by shady forests and an incredible amount of villas, most of them built around the turn of the XX century, which make it a World Heritage Site. One of them, Quinta da Regaleira, now turned into a museum, kept us occupied for a whole morning. Of course, we also had to go to Lisbon, but it was more a moral obligation than a pleasure. No offense to all the inhabitants of the Portuguese capital, but we weren’t in the mood for traffic or sticky hot weather; I’m sure it’s worth visiting at a different time in the year.

And then there is the countdown for my long awaited holiday in Germany. I can’t tell you how much I want to visit the south of Germany for the first time, and later go on my own little adventure of my German course in Hamburg. Only 9 days to gooooo!!!!!!